october’s got those orange eyes, but somehow i still lost sight

Wow, October already. I can’t believe how this year has flown by. In a way, that’s both good and bad thing. I love the fall and am so excited for crisp weather, colourful tights, the state fair and caramel apple cider. But, I had hoped that by this time, I would be feeling better. I thought I’d have the use of my left hand back (incidentally, typing with one hand is super, ridiculously slow), that I wouldn’t walk with the speed (and grace) of an unsteady toddler, that I would feel more healthy scalp than psoriasis. Not so.

At my last doctor’s appointment, we increased my dose of MTX, so now I’m wading through the delightful oral ulcers and a tongue that feels like someone took a razer to it, which are finally, hopefully subsiding. And, after a couple of weeks of feeling yucky, I’m back on the Plaquenil (or rather, the generic hydroychloroquine) in the hopes some triple therapy (in my case methotrexate, hydroxychroloquine and sulfasalazine) will give me some relief.

At work, I’m dealing with a formerly nice gentleman who has turned into a bit of a bully because he doesn’t like something I wrote. It’s actually been quite stressful receiving multiple e-mails a day over the last week saying what a bad person I am. And I was OK with it all until the most recent e-mail, which was just hateful. It’s all the more surprising because I really don’t understand where it all is coming from and the person in question doesn’t seem too willing to explain.

So, I’m having a bit of a hard time reaching for my positive attitude. Or maybe I am reaching for it, but it’s just not there. I just feel worn out and beat down—an attitude at odds with the ridiculously beautiful, sunny day, which is all the more welcome after nearly a week of rain. Maybe I just need a hug or to snuggle with my dog or to receive a few e-mails a day over the course of a week saying what an awesome person I am. Regardless, I think I’m going to go for a walk outside and try to gain some perspective. And maybe a caramel apple cider.

UPDATED TO ADD: For all those people who have ended up here by typing in the song lyrics in the title (sorry!), it’s “Broken Horse” by the Freelance Whales.

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4 thoughts on “october’s got those orange eyes, but somehow i still lost sight

  1. Vee,
    I feel for you. I can’t imagine what it’s like to be a journalist and not feel 100 percent most of the time. I’m physically healthy, but the job wears me down so much mentally. I tough it’s really tough facing down both demons. Just know that you are awesome. I have a feeling you’ll be getting some positive feedback next week! The job only beats you down so much before things turn around. Hang in there =)

  2. I totally understand what you mean about feeling worn out and beat down – I’ve been feeling that way a lot lately too. I want to give up on all the things I am doing and just search for the things that make me happy, but I don’t know what they are. I wish I had something brilliant to say to make it all go away (or at least cheer you up) but I have no idea what that is (if you discover it, please let me know!!)

    I did notice your love for Muse in your last post though. We went to see them this weekend and they were A-MAZ-ING!!! Not only amazing music but quite possibly the best stage show I’ve ever seen. Their stage setup and lights were unbelievable. Do you do FB? If so, you should friend me (Mariah Zebrowsi) and you can see a video clip I took at the concert. I am TOTALLY paying for my night out (I’ve been pretty much wrecked since then, achy and exhausted) but it was very, very worth it. ~;o)

    Hope things look up soon. ~;o)

    • I love Muse! They’re coming through here with Metric, but I’ve got to work that night. 😦 I can’t wait to see that video, though! I bet it will cheer me right up.

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