rather burn out than fade away

So, I’ve been rather a bad blogger.

I wish I could say it was because I was out being too awesome—though that’s part of it.

Or that I was ill and just couldn’t blog—though I was for a bit (including a nasty bit of laryngitis, yuck.)

Honestly, though, it was mostly just burnout. I was really just over being positive, over being forthcoming and, most of all, over being sick. I’m not really sure why it hit me so hard or why it did right then, but I guess it was bound to happen eventually.

Being accepting, being positive all the time in the face of something that’s not going to get better and not going to go away, that’s really difficult. I had a pretty good run of it: working on 15 years with psoriasis and creeping toward a decade with psoriatic arthritis. For most of that time, I would say I had a damn good attitude. I took my pills on time. I did what I was supposed to do.

But, I’m still sick. And I think it just hit me hard all of a sudden that even though I’m doing all the right things, even though I’m doing everything I should, that’s no guarantee that I’ll feel good or even just OK on any given day. And that sucks, quite frankly. I wish it worked the way everyone says things should, that we would get out what we put into it. I wish it was fair. But it’s not. And I know that.

I just needed some time, I think, to wrap my head around that once more. I needed some time to be negative and to regroup.

What I’m trying to say is I’m done with that.

I’m back.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “rather burn out than fade away

  1. Nessie I can really identify with what you have said. I think we all go through these stages of coping and it is to be expected we are after all only human. So glad that you are in a better frame of mind now and are back.

  2. I know how you feel I have been there. Its hard to imagine that arthritis can take control of our lives but sometimes it can, no matter how many times we try to take control of our symptoms. Glad you are back on track

  3. Amen, sister! I LOVED this post, and I love how honest you were about writing it. I’ve been diagnosed for two years now with RA, and I find that every now and then, even when I’m feeling fine, I get down just from having to deal with it all the time. I LOVE YOUR BLOG! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

Fire back:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s